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I feel the weight. I feel it crushing down upon me, all around me closing me in. When I started school, I realized this battle would, in large part, be a mental one. I knew I had to think that I had a life, and part of it was school. Now I find myself thinking I go to school, and when I don't, I have a life.
It's a terrible sadness. A hopelessness. A deep inner knowledge that things won't change -- can't change. It's the single most important lesson of school, one that's drummed into students heads every single day.
It's the kind of lesson that no one talks about, that is said explicitly -- that's why it's the worst kind of lesson. Since no one realizes it's actually being taught, no one asks whether it should be taught, and so, it's taught just the same.
You can't win. You will lose. They drum it into your head. Stop fighting now. You can't escape the message. Slowly, your brain shuts down. You stop thinking, stop challenging, stop asking questions.
You can't do it. You can't give in. You can't let them control you. You have to fight it, fight it every minute. Sure, they make fun of you for it. The other kids will ask you: "Why do you give the teachers such a hard time?" My answer: I don't. They give me a hard time.
The teachers insist they're right, even when they're wrong. But that's not even the question. The question isn't whether we're right or wrong, becuase we're both. The question is whether we admit that, acknowledge that, and use it to improve the system. But it isn't understood. Instead, teachers continue drumming and pounding information in. They don't let up, don't give you a break, don't let you resist it, question it, or fight it.
One teacher said:
Your full time job is Student. [...] Let's not lose sight of that.It isn't true.
I am not a Student. I am a fighter, a rebel, a questioner, an inquisitive fiend. I won't let go of that and you can't take it away from me. I won't let you.
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