schoolyard subversion

2000-11-01 [< * >]

Each year, millions of dollars are spent on the educational system. However, for most intents and purposes, this system produces children, which, ten or twenty years later, haven't learned a thing. As an aid to the politicians who are asking the difficult questions this election year, I thought I'd save them the trouble by providing this helpful guide on how to insure that students don't learn.

First, wake the children up in the early hours of the morning. Be sure to insist that they carry large and heavy textbooks with them to school. Furthermore, be sure to punish students for arriving late to school in the morning. That way, they'll be sure to rush out of the house, and forget something important at home.

Once the children are at school, fill their classes with long lectures, which, by definition, are boring to the young student. The only way to guarantee a student will not learn something is to tell it to them. Otherwise, they're likely to attempt to research the subject themselves, and actually learn about it. By boring them at a young age, you quickly guarantee that the students will not be interested in the subject for the rest of their lives. (Some students are strangely able to survive such lectures; we are currently researching methods to deal with them.)

To encourage students to try and pay attention in class, control them through a new method called "grades." Grades are small letters from A to F which are given to students upon the completion of each term. Due to the parents' lack of communication with the teachers and the school, these grades take on an almost magical significance, and parents are likely to punish their students severely if they get a "bad" one. (No one has seemed to notice that a student's efforts are almost impossible to quantify by a simple letter system.)

In between classes, be sure not to allow any passing time. Use the time you've saved to create a new pseudo-class called "study hall." In study hall, students will not be allowed to discuss what they have learned with their friends, nor go to the library to learn on their own. Instead, they must sit quietly and do "work."

Since the school day only lasts so long, be sure to assign homework, so that students will have no time to learn once they have left school. Homework is extraneous busywork, which must be devoid of educational content. Assign as much as possible, so that it will stretch long into the night. That way, the students have a difficult time waking up early the next morning, when the whole cycle starts anew. To guarantee success, repeat this process for 180 days a year.

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