VOICEOVER: Aaron Swartz: The Stanford Diaries will return in September. Here’s a sneak preview of what to expect next season.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND appears in a completely black room.
KIEFER: Hi, I’m Kiefer Sutherland. You might know me better as Aaron Swartz in Aaron Swartz: The Stanford Diaries. (beat) It’s been an exciting year, culminating in a jam-packed season finale. But that’s not all there is to the story. Next year, I again play Aaron Swartz in Aaron Swartz: The Stanford Diaries, but this time there’s a whole lot more to the story.
AARON SWARTZ and UNSEEN TEACHER meet in a parking garage. Teacher stays in the shadows, face never revealed, although he or she is clearly wearing a trenchcoat.
AARON: Oh, hey. I just wanted to tell you I read that book you recommended.
TEACHER: Oh, good!
AARON: Well, I guess I’ll see you next year.
As Aaron turns to head away the teacher GRABS him by the arm.
TEACHER: Wait, there’s something I need to tell you.
TEACHER: I read your last paper, Aaron. That wasn’t appropriate.
AARON: What do you mean?
TEACHER: I think you know what I mean.
AARON: The assignment was to write about sex, the body, or reproduction. I wrote about sex.
TEACHER: Well, in the context of what you said to me, I had to take it to the sexual harrassment center. We just had a consult about it and it’s going in your file, but they’re not opening an investigation on you or anything. I’m sure you didn’t mean it as harrassment but I had to take it to them just to be safe.
AARON: Oh. OK.
TEACHER: I didn’t really have a choice, Aaron, given what you said. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble or anything.
AARON: I said OK. Is there anything more you can tell me?
TEACHER: Well, it’s confidential.
AARON: But it’s about me! I waive my confidentiality rights.
KIEFER: Was the sexual harrassment claim responsible for the meeting with [unnamed authority figure]? Will this “file” open on Aaron cause later misunderstandings to be seen in a negative light, causing Aaron to be suspended or even expelled for the things he said, forcing him to turn around and hire the right-wing Foundation for Individual Rights in Education to sue Stanford University under California’s Leonard Law which extends First Amendment protection to private universities? Who knows? I just read the scripts they give me.
The actual AARON SWARTZ marches out in front of Kiefer.
AARON: OK, that’s enough. Hi, I’m Aaron Swartz, author of Aaron Swartz: The Stanford Diaries. Despite the 24 season finale and Deep Throat references I’ve chosen to use in this post, I’d just like to let folks out there know that this meeting actually did happen, although not in a parking garage.
KIEFER: Are we done here because, uh, I’ve got some people in my trunk I need to take care of.
AARON: Yeah, let me give you a hand with that.
Kiefer and Aaron walk off into the SUNSET that has just appeared in their solid black room.
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June 6, 2005